TruthNews Commentary, March 3, 2005

The Academy Awards were announced last week. For those who missed the big event or fell asleep from sheer boredom during the presentation for "best performance by a gaffer in a foreign language documentary," here's our annual summary of the results of this cultural milestone in American history.

The big Oscar winner was Clint Eastwood's latest movie "Million Dollar Baby." It stars Hillary Swank as a young woman who wants to be a boxer. She talks a crusty retired trainer played by Eastwood to come out of retirement to teach her how to beat the snot out of other women. After some success at beating women to a pulp, one of her opponents, played by Hulk Hogan, whacks her on the head with a chair, thereby consigning her to a life in a wheel chair. Distraught at no longer being able to pummel other women with the wild fury of a cornered wombat, Hillary asks Clint to put her out of her misery. He promptly obliges by blowing her brains out with a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. Apparently, she felt lucky. John Edwards then shows up to promise that, if he and John Kerry are elected in 2008, people like Hillary Swank will "rise up and walk." He then files a class action lawsuit against every gun maker in America.

Well, maybe "Million Dollar Baby" didn't go exactly like this, but it's the best synopsis we could come up with given that we haven't actually seen the movie. Also, the plot as described to us seemed a little boring, so we decided to improve it. Anyway, Clint Eastwood has come in for a lot a criticism because his movie, which he also directed, supposedly condones euthanasia. Of course, this is like saying that "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" condones hacking people to bits, or that "Ray," a biopic of the late singer Ray Charles, condones heroin. In fact, "Ray," which depicts the singer as a womanizing, back-stabbing heroin user, condemns heroin use in the strongest possible terms because, well, if you use it, you might get caught! We're not sure what position "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" takes on mass murder -- despite its compelling title; we haven't seen this movie either. Come to that, we're not sure what position "Ray" takes on womanizing and back-stabbing.

As we've noted in previous diatribes on the Academy Awards, the Oscar winning films must 1) make gobs of money and 2) be artistic. So a suicidal female boxer with blood dripping down her face and a blind dope fiend who becomes America's most popular recording artist were obviously top Oscar contenders. And the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences did not disappoint us, conferring best picture, best actress, best director, and best supporting actor (Morgan Freeman) on "Million Dollar Baby," while Jamie Foxx won the best actor trophy for "Ray." Sadly, "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" was shut out. "Chainsaw Massacre" star Jessica Biel, who bears a remarkable resemblance to Hillary Swank, even to the blood running down her face, will have to wait until next year for her Academy Award.

The other big winner of the evening was "The Aviator." According to recent TV ads, "The Aviator" won more Academy awards than any other film this year. Like a lot of things you see on TV, this is a little misleading. "The Aviator, a biopic of the late loopy billionaire Howard Hughes, won five awards, but only one was for anybody recognizable -- best supporting actress Kate Winslett. The other four awards were for art direction, film editing, cinematography, and costume design. Not to be left out, "Spiderman 2" won the Oscar for visual effects based on its $373 million domestic box office gross.

Speaking of "best performance by a gaffer in a foreign language documentary," the winner of best documentary was, incredibly, not Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 911," but "Born into Brothels," which apparently won because it had more debauchery, at least of the sexual sort, than "Fahrenheit 911." Presumably, "Born into Brothels" takes a very serious look at a very serious problem with enough titillating detail to gain the attention of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. On the other hand, it may be a documentary about the making of "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." You won't find out here which it is because we don't know and don't want to know.

Interestingly, "The Passion of the Christ," Mel Gibson's biopic of you-know-Who, failed to win best foreign-language film, despite being the highest grossing R-rated film of all time (in contrast to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," which is merely the grossest R-rated film of all time). "The Passion of the Christ," which was performed in Aramaic and Latin with English subtitles, should have been a leading contender for best foreign-language film. Perhaps there aren't enough Aramaic and Latin speakers around to appreciate it. Or maybe the Academy wanted an actual foreign film, rather than just one in a foreign language.

Every year, the Academy Awards broadcast honors film makers who have passed away during the past year. Last year, one of the honorees was Leni Riefenstahl, the Nazi film director whose documentary of Hitler's 1934 Nuremberg rally is regarded as the most effective propaganda film of all time (of course, this was before "Fahrenheit 911" was released). Inclusion of Riefenstahl's name among the dead honorees at the Oscars caused something of a stir because she did, after all, help promote Hitler in his quest to conquer the world and exterminate the Jews. This year, the Oscar broadcast saw a somewhat refreshing change. The first honoree among the recently passed away was Ronald Reagan, who began his career in Hollywood. Of course, the liberal Hollywood elite may consider Reagan to be another Nazi like George Bush and Ariel Sharon, so maybe they were just lumping him in with Riefenstahl.

We'd like to add a word of warning as we wrap up this column. This article contains what's known as a "spoiler" because it gives away the ending of "Million Dollar Baby." So you shouldn't read this article if you plan to watch the movie and want to be surprised by the dramatic conclusion. On the other hand, if you've gotten this far, you probably already know the ending, or at least our of version of it. We made a lot of it up. Clint Eastwood probably killed the female boxer in a more artistic fashion by giving her a poison shot or bashing her head in with a brick, thereby guaranteeing the Oscar.