TruthNews Commentary, December 1, 2004

A homosexual Alexander the Great prances through the pages of history in Oliver Stone's biopic "Alexander," which opened in 2445 theaters across the country this past weekend. Before the film opened, a coalition of 25 Greek lawyers threatened to sue Stone and distributor Warner Brothers over the film's depiction of Alexander as homosexual. "We are not saying that we are against gays," attorney Yannis Varnakos told Reuters, "but we are saying that the production company should make it clear to the audience that this film is pure fiction and not a true depiction of the life of Alexander."

Apparently, the prospect of seeing Alexander cavorting with his boyfriend didn't appeal to moviegoers, who stayed away from "Alexander" in droves. The film, which cost $150 million to make, earned only $13 million in its opening weekend, ranking number 6 in the weekend box office. Usually, opening weekend is the biggest box office for any film, so Alexander looks as if it will be a big flop, or as Princeton professor Daniel Mendelsohn put it, "the 'Heaven's Gate' of toga and sandals epics." "Heaven's Gate," for those fortunate enough to not remember it, was a such a colossal flop in 1981 that it almost put United Artists out of business.

The "Alexander" debacle probably won't be enough to bring down AOL Time Warner. If it did, we'd have to say goodbye to such stalwarts as CNN, Time Magazine, AOL, and DC Comics. The loss of DC Comics would be a devastating loss, indeed, to American culture -- we're not sure if the loss of the other parts of AOL Time Warner would be noticed. But even if AOL Time Warner doesn't go belly up over the "Alexander" fiasco, the loss might be enough to drive the entertainment conglomerate to yet another merger, perhaps this time with archrival Microsoft. Such a merger is probably unrealistic, but not as unrealistic as the "Alexander" movie storyline.

Adding insult to injury, the film that ranked immediately ahead of "Alexander" in the weekend box office ratings was the movie adaptation of Nickelodeon's "Sponge Bob Square Pants." In its two weeks in release, "Sponge Bob," the story of a square yellow sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea, has raked in $59 million. This past weekend, when Alexander made only $13 million, "Sponge Bob," already in its second week, made $18 million. Well, perhaps there's more of a market for a PG-rated movie about a good-natured sponge than for an R-rated movie depicting the alleged homosexual antics of the Hitler of the 5th century BC. Ranking ahead of both "Sponge Bob" and "Alexander" in the weekend box office are "National Treasure," "The Incredibles," "Christmas with the Kranks," and "The Polar Express." The first three are rated PG, and "The Polar Express" is rated G. Interesting -- not an R rating or even a PG-13 in the top five movies at the box office.

Ranking well in the toilet, in more ways than one, is the movie adaptation of the life of sex researcher Alfred Kinsey. Kinsey, whom I had never heard of before this movie was released, apparently created quite a stir in 1948 with the release of the first scientific study on sexual perversions. The movie, which is rated R, reportedly depicts Kinsey as a homosexual wife-swapping voyeur. The scientific veracity of Kinsey's study has come under attack in recent years, as Kinsey apparently skewed his data to justify his own failings. For example, Kinsey claimed that 10 percent of the population was homosexual, while more recent studies have put the number at 1-2 percent. This "everybody is doing it, so it must be OK" attitude, apparently endorsed by the cinematic version of Kinsey's life, is characteristic of this generation, but it seems a little like saying that "10 percent of the population has committed armed robbery, so it's OK for me to stick up the 7-Eleven."

Some conservative commentators have condemned Kinsey for starting the sexual revolution, but it's probably more accurate to say that the obscure sex researcher was a symptom of declining moral values rather than the cause. The Bible condemns people like Kinsey, "who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them." (Romans 1:32)

Kinsey seems to have set himself up as the head cheerleader for such perversions as child molestation, and the Hollywood bunch have set themselves up as cheerleaders for Kinsey. But if they were expecting to take a bunch of money from the rubes in the heartland off this dreck, they're doomed to disappointment. Apparently, R-rated porno flicks aren't doing very well at the box office this Christmas season. In three weeks of release, "Kinsey" has made only $2 million at the box office, and this past weekend ranked below such critically-acclaimed films as "Seed of Chucky." If you've never heard of "Seed of Chucky," it's the sequel to "Bride of Chucky." I'd never heard of either of the "Chucky" films, but I looked them up, and they're both rated R for violence, gore, and sex, which are the same thematic elements that earned the $150-million "Alexander" an R rating.

Perhaps Oliver Stone would have a bigger hit if he had made the title of his film more hip -- say "Big Al" (in older English, "great" is often used as a euphemism for "big"). But the title "Big Al" could be confused with the Discovery channel's mockumentary about an allosaurus named "Big Al" -- in this case "Al" is short for "allosaurus." Big Al's fossilized skeleton was discovered in Wyoming, and Discovery put together a web of conjecture to explain the life and death of Big Al -- much as Oliver Stone did in "Alexander."

Alexander the Great reportedly turned back from further conquest because his men wanted go home. Now Oliver Stone, with his portrayal of Alexander as a simpering wimp, has put the Macedonian conqueror on a bridge too far. Alexander, who never met defeat in real life, has now been defeated in the cinema by a square yellow sponge.

Having no desire to wallow in Hollywood's swill, I haven't actually seen any of the movies discussed in this article. So if I have misrepresented the content of these movies, blame the magazine "Entertainment Weekly," which won't be around much longer if Oliver Stone succeeds in driving AOL Time Warner into bankruptcy.