Supreme Court Rules Declaration Of Independence Unconstitutional

America Still Part Of England

Satire, June 29, 2002

In a stunning attempt to top the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled the Declaration of Independence unconstitutional because it mentions God.

San Francisco's 9th Circuit Court of Appeals declared the pledge of allegiance unconstitutional yesterday because it uses the phrase "one nation under God." Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stephens, in announcing today's ruling, said, "The Declaration of Independence is four times more unconstitutional than the pledge of allegiance because it mentions God four times, not just once."

Stephens also pointed out that the sentence, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights" was ungrammatical as well as being unconstitutional. "Not only does the sentence mention the Creator [God]," Stephens said, "but it also uses the word 'unalienable,' which clearly should be 'inalienable.' 'Unalienable' isn't even in the dictionary," he complained.

Justice Stephen Breyer bitterly complained about the declaration that "all men are created equal." "All men are not created equal," Breyer said. "Supreme Court justices are clearly superior to ordinary mortals and to members of Congress. That's why we get to wear these black robes and strike down democratically-passed laws on spurious grounds. Only someone as genetically inferior as a Congressman would be stupid enough to write the Declaration of Independence and the Pledge of Allegiance."

Breyer, in explaining today's ruling, commented that the declaration's phrase saying that people "are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights" is as objectionable as saying that people "are endowed by Vishnu with certain unalienable Rights," or saying that people "are endowed by Zeus with certain unalienable Rights."

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg agreed, pointing out that the sentence "appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions" clearly refers to God. "That's unconstitutional," said Ginsburg, "because the Constitution says that we're the Supreme Court. How can God be the Supreme Judge of the world if we are?"

Justice David Souter took particular exception to the Declaration's use of the phrase "Laws of Nature and of Nature's God." "This is an obvious and blatant attempt to impose the teaching of creationism in the schools," declared Souter. "Everyone knows that man evolved from amoebas over a period of billions of years. Only a fundamentalist right wing religious bigot would refer to 'Nature's God.'"

Chief Justice William Rehnquist dissented from the majority opinion, commenting sarcastically, "Some of Supreme Court justices need to have a couple of billion years more to evolve. They still have the intelligence of amoebas."

Justice John Paul Stevens, who concurred with the majority, attacked the founding fathers' declaration that "with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor." "The founding fathers can't call on divine Providence," Stevens protested. "That's forbidden by the First Amendment which says that there must be a wall of separation between church and state."

When reporter Jim Madison pointed out that the First Amendment said only that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion," Stevens spluttered, "Well I know that 'wall of separation' is in there somewhere. Besides, I'm a Supreme Court justice, so I'm never wrong."

With the overturning of the 226-year old Declaration of Independence, America reverts to being a British colony. The justices were asked about the fact that the Anglican church would now be the official government-sponsored state religion and that the national anthem would be "God Save the Queen." "How does that square with separation of church and state?" asked reporter Tom Jefferson.

"Well," replied Justice Souter smugly, "since the Declaration of Independence is unconstitutional, America never stopped being part of England. So the constitution was never more than a meaningless scrap of paper." He demonstrated this by tearing the constitution into shreds and throwing the pieces on the ground. The members of the Supreme Court then joined him in trampling the constitution under foot.

The case before the Supreme Court was brought by Michael A. Moron, a Sacramento atheist who likes to speak with an English accent. He was represented in the case "Moron vs. the United States of America" by the American Civil Liberties Union.

Following the ruling, Prime Minister John Major announced that the 4th of July is no longer an official holiday and that everyone should go to work next Thursday. He then appointed Souter to be the Archbishop of Canterbury.